Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!
Hello, Annette! My name is Kim R., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!
Your introduction has the necessary background details about “The Birds,” as seen in here:
l “The Birds,” by Daphne du Maurier, was first published in 1952 shortly after the second world war. The story takes place in a small English town in the month of December. It is a story about a farmhand Nat Hocker and his family being attacked by flocks of birds for no apparent reason. The story follows the protagonist Nat Hocker and his family as they struggle to survive the ongoing onslaught of the birds.
Background details prevent your topic from being abrupt and also lets your readers be familiar with it. Well done! :D
*Annette 9814117 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
To start off, I notice that your thesis statement does not specify whose characterization you are referring to. As a result, your readers will not know which character or characters are in the scope of your analysis. To fix this issue, you might want to specify which character(s) you are analyzing for the characterization. Which character(s) in “The Birds” convey how important survival and leadership is when faced with potential human demise? Please specify. This way, your readers will know which character(s) to expect in your analysis.
I also notice that your essay lacks focus on the analysis. In your discussion about characterization, you simply summarize the events that Nat undergone to save his family. Then, in your discussion about setting, you simply describe the events in Nat’s location. Summarizing is different from analyzing, Annette. Summarizing the story prevents you from defending your argument about it.
To fix this issue, you might want to revise your body paragraphs by explaining how the use of the element supports your argument. To do this, you might want to define the element, give examples or excerpts from the story to show the element, and explain how this element shows the story’s theme.
Let’s use the characterization of Nat as an example. What does characterization mean? Then, what is the characterization of Nat? What are his characteristics or character development that shows the story’s theme of survival and leadership? Then, what events or excerpts in the story illustrate these characteristics? Lastly, how does this characterization shows the theme of survival and leadership?
As you can see, the questions focus on the element and the theme and not on the events in the story. Please use your answers in rewriting your paragraph about this element. Do the same to the other literary element in your thesis. This way, your content will align with your essay’s purpose. :)
*Annette 9814117 has requested that you respond to the Organization:
Lastly, I notice that you don’t have the same number of paragraphs for each literary element, Annette. You have four paragraphs about characterization and two paragraphs about the setting. Inconsistent number of paragraphs do not result in a clear structure; your readers might think that your analysis is unbalanced.
To fix this issue, you might want to have the same number of paragraphs for each literary element. I highly encourage you to have only one paragraph for each literary element. Which details analyze characterization? Please place them together in one paragraph. Which details analyze the story’s setting? Please place them together in a separate paragraph. This way, your essay will have a clear structure.
Summary of Next Steps:
l Specify which character(s) you are analyzing for the characterization.
l Revise your body paragraphs by explaining how the use of the element supports your argument.
l Have the same number of paragraphs for each literary element.
Thank you for letting me read your essay, Annette! :D I wish you the best on your revisions! ~Kim R.
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